I am utterly surrounded by family now. And later this night I played the game of Life with my two nieces: Vivian who came from my brother and Haley from my sister. We continued on with the game when I realized that these two kids were so very different. Vivian was so normal and adorable, she didn't seem to have a hard time blending in or being loved. She was utterly comfortable with herself. And Haley, I realized was the complete opposite in many ways. Haley stands out awkward and self conscious. She was bitter and sarcastic with this pleaing look for acceptance and it was this awkwardness that made you love her. She made comments about the worst day of her life when she reached the 'Get Married!' part of the board game. Something my sister always joked about even though secretly she meant every word. 

And then it all hit me there as I was holding this card that said 'Starter Home: Log Cabin' 

It wasn't that I was waiting for the right time to find someone to love; some after thought following the setting up for my career. I realized right then and there that I was never going to be ready for it. That I'll never be. I was Haley, and I came from a long line of them. The daughters of angry, scorned mothers who continually told their children that marriage was nothing more than a harness, and love the cheap commercial to get you there. And because of this we searched for the very pinnacle of failing relationships in order prove our point that it was all true. That it didn't exist.  Only I didn't fall, yet at least, in the same order of marrying into the failing relationship. Instead I walled myself into this sad state of things. And with constant bricks and cement building over the years, it was all so clear to me now. 

I was doomed since the beginning. And love won't exist for me. Not because its not out there, not because I'm thin or fat, or funny, or boring, but because I would never know it. I would push it away just to prove the point. And such habits are not easily broken, not these at least, because at this point I've shut it all down. Bolted the doors shut and called it over. And I've continued to make jokes about cats and careers and half hearted flirted with people simply out of boredom. 

I did always believe in love and relationships. I've seen them at least, so I know they exist. But seeing this today and understanding the pattern of the way my life has lived, its all sadly clear now. This isn't self pitying, just self realizing. And if there were ways to stop, well, i suppose i would have done that too. I wish I could hug her and tell her that in the end its all happily ever after. Truth is, it isn't. And some of the princesses just sit around waiting in their castles until they die alone or marry the first charming anything that walks up to them at the ball. 

Life has been nothing short of this strange and incredible ride lately. 

I've seen things I assumed were reserved for my older years, moments scary, and others although simple, marvelous. I've learned more in these two months than in the past seven years.

I've learned that sometimes you have to run out into the new, and sometimes find the new in the old. I've learned that I need to take care of myself. I've learned that a bicycle ride in El Paso is just as fulfilling as a bicycle ride in Austin and lovelier than the ones in New York. I've learned that I can finally beat my mother at chinese checkers but that ultimately my niece is the best player. I've seen my father scared. I've drank a bottle of wine in secret with my mother. I found out my niece is an outcast. I've realized that my best friend is my sister and I've lost a brother emotionally. I've seen greed, pettiness, abandonment, and despite all of them, loneliness. I feel quieter, patient, selfish, and giving. I know now that life is comprised of sixty five percent pain and fear but that one moment of laughter makes it all go away. I've learned to shut up and run. I've learned that I know nothing about what's to come in life. 

Its such a mess. 

And maybe this writing is nothing more than general gibberish, but explaining the details of what's happened is just background noise. And I have no story in reality, all I have are mini revelations about what's important. 
----------

 Christ. ok.

So I came back to El Paso for this month to help out with my dad's back surgery/mom's knee surgery shenanigans. Its...
fuck. Its hard is what it is. The first morning I get there and my dad is just coming out of surgery. He looks tiny and frail and a thousand years old and it broke my heart instantly when i saw him. My mom is slightly better but her leg doesn't look right and I'm worried she may have damaged it during this last week of issues with my dad's back. Everything seem to be going ok (slow but ultimately good). 

The next morning I woke up to a loud THUMP then a wallowing cry from my mother....my dad had fallen. His legs giving out from weakness. It was a noise I care to never ever hear again in my lifetime. I opened the door and there he was, like one of those commercials where the senior presses a button and instantly help arrives, only in this commercial my dad lay on the floor weeping and scared, my mother on the floor crying and screaming. I called 911 and after a trip to the hospital for the second time he came out quiet and weaker and everyone a little more somber and sad. 

Since then everything has gotten better with each day. I shop and clean and help walk my dad to the bathroom. I do a shit ton of laundry and my only saving grace is that I run at night on the treadmill. I forgot how much running is more of an escape than a task, especially with the right soundtrack. 

Should be back in NYC in May at the rate we're going. My parents seem happy that I'm there which is nice to feel. 
I feel a little alienated from my brother for some reason and I don't have people's phone numbers here which sucks but for now it works. I can't leave the house without feeling a little worried about the two of them. 

Here's something fitting; the morning after I book my flight and set up to  go I get an email from this HUGE advertising firm in Manhattan offering me a job. Oh world, you're so funny!

 I met possibly one of the most lovely people on the plane yesterday. In fact, had it not been for the glaringly loud gold band I would have played this up to being a strange case of love at first sight. I probably wouldn't have said a word to him but we both broke up laughing after the stewardess told the man behind us that he needed to "put away the package in his lap". I reached for my overhead light and realized it was out. He offered up his and I offered up letting him read the Skymall with me. Both of us wanted the Star Trek Captain's Chair or the Pet Stairs. He was this rare case, funny and fantastic and an Airforce Pilot living in Italy. At one point he tells me how he went up to an old italian man and said to him, "Italy's culture brought the Renaissance....Thanks."

Now, don't get me wrong, I know I can be an asshole. Hell, its why you love me right? 

But I have finally come to the realization within these last few years, being placed into so many different places in life, when it all comes down to it, I actually love most people. Ugh, I just threw up a little bit. 

It must be some by product of getting older or the forcible inclusion college had over the years but yesterday when my friend Sean sat by me and began spouting off his usual 'I hate these midtown suits!' rant that I used to love to scream along with, to myself, I secretly whispered, "oh grow up." I think about what people will think of me in a few years, albeit my "upcoming WILD success", that at some point I will have to make amends with these friends of mine. I don't see myself worlds apart from the suits anymore but maybe just a few countries away. Is it awful? Is the beginning of the end? Who knows, but in the end I'd rather be the person who can walk into any room and be ok than the one comfortable in only a few places. 

 So after a grueling over the phone battle with the campus computer store I've finally gotten my computer. Which is beautiful.


OK...

So here's a quick catch up. 

Its hard. I mean really hard. Its not the city living part thats hard, the bills, the transit, the day to day, thats the easy part. What's hard is the development of MY New York. The places I go to when I'm bored, the right place to eat on a Tuesday. My favorite bar, coffeeshop. All of these things that I completely took for granted when I was in a familiar place. I miss the kids especially. I suppose I never realized that the quick pizza or drop by bloody mary friend was an essential part of my feeling comfortable. And when it comes to my goal of independence, I'm afraid I've failed across the board. I needed those kids. Still do. I'm making friends pretty quickly here. I think thats just the state of this place. Everyone searching for the call up coffee friend. I've taken to being entirely open to everyone. Which is actually fantastic. It leaves me open to figure out the new again. 

The people here are bar none fucking gorgeous. I think I fall in love once an hour. 

I have a place in Brooklyn near Prospect Park that is a lot bigger than I anticipated. 

I had no issues finding a place or a job. Infact, I found a job the very next day. Its a tiny cafe called the Crooked Tail thats right in the middle of an Italian sector of Brooklyn. The family ties there are strong and I was told not to ask what some people did for a living. Straight outta the Sopranos. Then I moved in to my sublet within three days. I thought for a moment that perhaps NYC wasn't all that tough. I mean hell, I was in the place and set up working within three days, right?

On the fifth day I question what that wretched smell in my apartment was. I did all the laundry and showered in hot, hot water, but it didn't quit. It was two days solid of this and finally it occurred to me while on the phone with a friend that the smell of the place came not from me but....ready?.... from the pissed in bed I was lying in. Yes, I was sitting in someone else's night of embarrassment. I let Ollie(roommate) know who quickly told me about the troubling tales of the last roommate and that he'd have a new mattress shipped the next day. Oh New York, you really know how to make a girl feel welcome. 

had a wonderful conversation with my friend michael over goal setting, self perception, etc.

i've known him for a long time and we work together at the hideout here and there but we've never had lunch just the two of us. it was wonderful. the conversation. i forgot what its like to have lunch with someone you can just continually talk to and that has something to add of his own stories. this day was a bit of a wash which i'm ok with really. my website is coming up to the end soon give or a take a few hard days of real work.

but thats all the dailies. the stuff i already know about. that conversation with michael really made my day.
last night a couple of friends of mine opened up the hideout to drink beers and watch silent movies in the back theatre. it was lovely.

it seems the older i get the more i find myself really enjoying new conversation again. and by new i don't necessarily mean with new people, i think i've had the same conversation with the hundreds of people over and over again and it bores me to tears.

oh, so i just realized that my age bracket for dating  has changed. as it should. but it was really weird to realize that i was flirting with a 38 year old customer and completely ok with it, all the while shaking my head to the 22 year olds for being such kids.

up until 6am today.
don't know what the deal is.

OH WAIT YES I DO....

these nightmares are getting out of control. last night i had a nightmare about some deranged demonic woman that crawled on all fours coming after me with a hammer. and you know how you usually wake up right at the moment they're gonna get you?

yeah...I FREAKIN DIDN'T! instead she slammed me in the skull with the hammer and my entire body went cold. and that's how i woke up, cold despite the heater being on.

thats not right!

so instead i watch way too much hulu and youtube for my own good and write crazy lady entries like this one in hopes that i can tire myself out a bit.

now its 6am. i've finally resorted to snagging a glass of my roommates wine, watching reruns of 30Rock and hope that maybe i can get a few hours.

now call me paranoid...

but i think the world is getting taken over by babies.





yesterday i went to simon and melinda's son oscar's first birthday party.
and i realized when simon was video taping us all at the party that we were officially dated. dated because this tape was meant for oscar to see when he's older and laugh at the young parents, the 2009 apparel, whatever slang we're using (did you just say "awesome"?). and it made me feel a little surreal for it.
i guess i'm in the baby era of my life. where everyone has babies or thinks of babies or starts making decisions about babies. and me? well, i'm just not the mom type. i'm the weird friend that comes over and buys your kid a onesy because it reads "I have restless leg syndrome."

well.

All one ever needs for a dance party to get started is for two seemingly unembarrassed people to jump up and shake it like there's no tomorrow.

Last night I started a dance party at a Lovejoy's with my friend Jessi. We had the place rip roaring by the end of the night. There is something about pulling a bearded, tattooed, punk rocker out for dance that is really satisfying.

I've been on the up and down lately. Trying to get everything done without so much time to deal with the grueling frustration that I desperately need a hug.

I've grown up a lot this year. I'm a lot more quiet. I wait for my moments now. I've also realized that this little day to day bullshit of deadlines and all nighters is a shit ass excuse to not go out and date a little. But christ, its been so long since I've met anyone worth sparking an interest that I'm beginning to realize that I probably don't know what my type is anymore. I used to assume that it was a the bearded bitter assholes spouting out Kerouac quotes between hard whiskey pulls. And granted, thats hot but where has that gotten me. A little more jaded and lot more willing to spend time in front my real boyfriend iMac.

its transition. its transition. its transition. once i get a real job a real life will start. thats how it happens. real jobs, real life. realness. just real in the future. yes. i am sure of it. nothing but realness in the future. at least thats what my palm is telling me.

Wow. Hello.



So today I bought a ticket to New York. One way. One suitcase. I'm feeling pukey.

I've also started a new blog.

http://anitherobot.blogspot.com/

Its my blog regarding my life in advertising. Just so that I don't talk about it all here. Keep the two elements of my life separate.








My father is showing what seems like the first signs of Alzheimers. He's......he's forgetting songs he's been playing for over 40 years. He's forgetting entire conversations he had earlier that day.
Just thinking about this, just writing down these words, I can't...

 have a lot of things in my head. i think its the time. suddenly no deadlines, no craziness. my head can't let it go. 

i went to a bar called the Shangri-La, which was fantastic. Highly recommended. Had a few drinks, took up to the outside patio and there was that breeze thats neither hot nor cold. It reminded me of being 7 years old, sitting on the trunk of my mom's car with my brother and we'd make up stories about the constellations. I used to wear oversized t-shirts as pjs. 

This saturday I'd like took take a tour through the eastside bars. rio ritas, shangri-la, the scoot, the long branch. let it all go. you reading this? then you're invited. don't expect the best, most intelligent version of me though, i haven't let go in quite a while and i don't plan on driving anywhere or being president. oh, and we're following the next morning at moonshine for a painful brunch.

my parents came this weekend for my graduation. they looked so frail. maybe thats what's getting to me. i can't understand why life does this. the second that i'm able to take them away, take them to new places is the same time their legs tire out, their bones hurt. its unfair. its bullshit.

 getting ready to launch next week.

LOOK! 

I made that! My first website. Wee!
Its for city of austin. I can't wait to make another. 

Happy Halloween!

( Your worst fear as a child..... )

i just searched happiness on Wikipedia. It begs the question:

Are non-religious, Democrat liberals happy? According to Wikipedia, no!

i won't ruin the surprise yet on my halloween costume. its a really winner though. i'm excited.

i looked in the mirror last night and realized that i've aged five years in three months. this schedule is absolutely killing me. i have 6 more weeks of it. and although i'm excited for it all to end, i also realize its too little time to get everything done.
such is life. oh? is that another year i've aged. welcome to your mid thirties.

more than anything else, i've been craving stories from old friends. which is just a way of wanting to talk about anything else other than school, work and internships.
i want to hear about the absolutely plain tales of "i washed with this detergent and my whites still look grey" or the "i just can't make my dog stop pooping the house" stories. i want to talk about crazy girlfriends and boys who don't commit. i just want to watch a scary movie.

anyway.

 i can't help but begin to worry about all this hot mess called "life after college". 
so rather than decide i'm going to utilize this poll option that livejournal has set up in order to decided the preceding of my entire life from here on in. 
So ladies and gentlemen take a moment and decide.

Poll #1268084 My Future Fuckin Poll
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 7

Hey stupid, everyone who's anyone knows you should...

one of the last great speakers of the world. i just heard this yesterday, just ten minutes, and i needed to find him. 
you should watch it, its absolutely changing.
Leo Bruscaglia. 

( Sit down and watch this. I promise. )

 its amazing what an intense little three hour bike ride can do for your stress level. 
i can't wait for the heat to die just a little more so that i can enjoy my daytime rides as much as this one tonight.

ok, so recap from last years same ride night. one year ago i remember that i walked the bike a few times, got a flat towards the end and nearly passed out every so often while riding.
this year was a completely different experience. i kept up and stayed towards the middle the entire ride, i never walked my bike, no flats but was prepared if i did have one, and luckily i maintained the same elation i had when i ended it. 

in regards to earlier posts, i know there are ways to change and all that. sometimes i just get fed up.

what's next???
alley cat race going on october 26th and i really want to be ready. will i win? absolutely not. i've always been a slow rider. but i do want to participate...i hear they're giving away t-shirts and fish tacos!

harvest moon bike ride tonight.
the biggest, longest moonlight cruise of the year.
25 miles long. 500+ Bikes

the timing couldn't be any more perfect.